Now that I’ve decided to live a HAES lifestyle it really behoves me to get on with actually learning about it. Which I guess means I should at least finish The Book. Right?
I’ve been reading Health At Every Size by Linda Bacon off and on for about three years now. Every time I start reading it I realise the reason I’m reading is I want to lose weight. Something happens and I get sick of myself and decide, this is it, this time I’m really doing it.
Now you may be thinking, how is this any different from right now? And I really have no defence for that. It is just like every other time that I’ve embarked on a weight loss program in my life.
Ever since I first read The Book (or part of it at least) I’ve been convinced that a self acceptance program for healthy living is for me.
But that’s just not enough to actually get me moving. And that’s because I am incredibly resentful and angry.
I hate the patriarchal imperative that I be thin and fit and blonde and open to sex, but too open, and blah, blah, blah. I loathe that some thin people everywhere are sitting there mouthing stupid platitudes about food and fat and health and creating this hugely narcissistic society focussed exclusively on looking one particular way. Just thinking about it makes me practically froth at the mouth.
Never in my life have I ever been interested in fitting in and even the idea of embarking on any sort of “program” has that real feeling of buckling to pressure.
I don’t like to exercise, I definitely hate to diet and despite resonating with HAES it still feels like a weight loss routine. In my humble opinion there is not an exercise routine out there for me that I will ever view with anything other than just flat out suspicion and dread.
Frankly I just want the whole intertwined mess of health, food and obesity to just quietly fade out of my life and be replaced by … well, me living my life.
Of course that’s the whole idea of following a HAES lifestyle so perhaps I should just suck it up and get on with it.
I gotta finish that book.
And, damn it all, I better go and get some exercise. Muh!