I want to work for home in my own Internet based business making lots of money so I can travel and have more time to enjoy my life.

That said though I’ve also found that my focus is falling on physical fitness again. I want to be smaller and this is creating a bit of an issue for me. My fat / body acceptance learnings tell me that the chances of my loosing weight are slim to none and dieting is actually more likely to make me gain weight. But my law of attraction work tells me that I can have whatever I bring my focus to, and if I bring my focus to slimness then that is achievable. Its a bit confusing.

The thing is I want to be fit. I’m often quite shocked by the limitations of my body and I’d like to address them if I could. Which I think I can with regular exercise.

Any how, so, as usual at New Years I think of exercise and weight, money, career, romance and all those other areas of life around which I have goals and at the end of the day I came up with one resolution.

MY RESOLUTION

Chill the fuck out.

Dude, seriously.

Relax, enjoy your life. Have a good time.

My resolution for 2012 is to enjoy being right where I am.

Yes there are things that are not the best. Yes there are places that I want to be. Yes I find it tremendously hard to let things go. But seriously. Just chill out.

Have a good time.

Be happy.

Just quietly I think this is probably the hardest resolution I’ve ever come up with. If I’m not slightly neurotic, worried woman who’s stressing about a million things what am I?

Happy maybe?

I guess I’m going to find out.

Happy 2012 everyone. This is going to be an amazing year.

I also went through a period, after I came back from New Zealand, where I felt … bad. I was angry and upset and blah, blah, blah. That compounds the stress and well, things have just been quite up and down.

I’m back on track now though. I feel like I’m telling a better story. I feel hopeful.

And the atual moving part of moving house is breathing down my neck so now I need to go clean some walls!

I just can’t seem to get writing.

So I’ve been reading instead and the message I’ve got from that reading is just write. Write whatever comes up but get on with it.

I’m overwhelmed. I feel like I’m drowning in tasks to do and as a result I’m standing still noting how very overwhelmed I feel.

I want to write and yet I can’t for the life of me think of a single thing to write about. I feel frustrated and afraid, as if I’m staring down the barrel of another failure.

So, what I’m going to do is just keep on going. I know what I want from life (to work for myself blogging generating more income than I’ve ever had before) so that I can travel (London, Hong Kong, Sydney) and experience the world and it’s peoples. I want to spend my life in happy and joyus tasks that fill me with satisfaction.

And most of all I want to write. I think I loose sight of that in all the other things that are going on. I want to write about all sorts of things. I want to make up characters and plots and wonderful, exciting happenings. But you know what; I don’t do that. Ever. How strange. I started this journey because I want to write. Only now does it occur to me, um, Lisa, honey, you’re not actually writing.

What’s that about?

I chose to blog because it seemed wonderfully attractive to work from home, part time, and make a full time income. It would help me create the discipline I needed to sit down and actually learn the process of writing. I wouldn’t need to worry about income because I could keep that ticking over in the background with the blogging whilst I spent the bulk of my time writing books and generally learning how to craft a story.

It’s been four years now and none of that stuff has actually happened.

I own my home now. I’ve travelled a bit. I’m in a relationship with a man I adore (usually). I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I had planned to be fabulously thin but that hasn’t worked out for me at all, in fact I’m bigger now than ever. The point of all this is that things are going tremendously well and I am thoroughly loving my life. Good things are happening, things that make me feel so happy.

Its just the blogging, the creation of my own business, that hasn’t happened. Or the writing. I don’t write very often at all. Which is a shame because, when I get past that blank screen, I love the things that I write.

Food for thought I think.

Perhaps it’s time for me to be really clear about what I want, business wise, though in all fairness I thought I was.

Funny how these things come up hey.

Things have been really busy at work which has dominated my thinking for a while. And then the whole house thing has really sort of come up (we might be moving, then we may not, it’s all very confused) so I’ve really been just drifting along.

That said though, I’m visualising where I want to be. The life I want to live.

And learning. Reading, researching, thinking about lots of different things.

I listen to lots of different things and one thing that’s stuck with me is don’t push. Action, action, action is not the only way to achieve things. Relax, get happy, enjoy my life and visualise where you want to be. This is the recipe that Abraham Hicks offer and got to say, sounds pretty good.

I guess at the end of the day I’m not much inspired to do anything. I’m aware with these blogs that I’ve kind of reached a plateau. I need to do something different. I’m not even sure what that is yet, but I believe that it resides in research and connection.

I struggle with connection. I tend to wander around in my own little world and this is not where I want to be. I adore interacting with people. I had an opportunity to talk with a good friend on the weekend and, oh how wonderful to actually talk about the things that have meaning for me, rather than the constant “chit chat”, mostly negative, that usually makes up interactions on a daily basis.

Seriously. I spend a lot of time talking about what great weather we’re having because it’s the only subject that people tend to agree with me about!

The chance to talk about the things that I’m learning and the wonderful feelings that it’s generating was just fabulous. Its good to be able to say, you know, this is working out for me. And just as good to see good things in other peoples lives.

I’m stalled. I’m feeling good. Nice things are coming into my life – I’m going to New Zealand in a couple of weeks, more money is flowing into my life than ever before (thank you, thank you, thank you!), I have the opportunity to move to a beautiful house and I’m feeling really happy. So all is well.

L.A. told me, you’ll be a pop star. All you have to change, is everything you are …

I always thought of that as kinda … judgemental I suppose. Well, actually I think that’s the whole point of the song, but now I’m thinking how could that be anything but the truth.

If you want to become something, or someone, different, especially a change as vast as going from an unknown singer to an internationally famous household name, surely you do have to change everything about yourself. In fact isn’t that the whole point? You’re becoming someone and something different, changed.

But change, well, change is just damn uncomfortable.

I listened to a clip from Bob Proctor the other day, You can’t polish a gem without friction, which is a very nice way of saying if you’re making some changes in your life then you’re flat out going to be uncomfortable.

I’m working on changing my appearance at the moment which I wrote about here and got to say, pretty damn uncomfortable. It was reassuring to learn that it’s a normal reaction going through any change.

Being uncomfortable, being out of my depth, being so unsure and unpracticed at everything is really challenging at times. Particularly as I’ve been visualising because one of the random results of visualising is that sometimes I do or say things without any thought at all. Even when inside I’m going “…aaahhh! what are you doing!!!” I just keep on going, keep doing or saying whatever. And you know what, it usually works out pretty damn fabulous. A saying that comes up alot with this law of attraction stuff is take action when you’re inspired to do so, and that’s exactly what I’m doing.

It’s damn uncomfortable though.

But why wouldn’t it be. I’m changing. And at the end of the day, that is just so damn exciting! Exciting enough to put up with a bit of discomfort and that, dear friends, is the point of visualising.

Being really clear about what your want out of life is empowering. But knowing is not enought. Visualising what it will feel like to get there, to actually achieve your goal is the best motivation that you can possibly have, because, whatever the dream, the visualisation, it feels wonderful to acheive it. And that feeling is what powers the change, the impetus to keep on going despite the fact that it’s damn uncomfortable.

So … keep dreaming the dreams, seeing and feeling it coming true and get motivated to make changes. It might feel horrible but if that’s where it’s taking you, oh my god, so, so worth it.

I’d love to know what you think. Leave a comment.

And just for the hell of it, here’s a little Pink.

I keep striving toward this PLACE where everything is just the way I want it. For the longest time that meant thin. When I’m thin, then I’ll have a fantastic relationship, my own home, travel the world and so and on and so forth. For various reasons I’ve let go of the fantasy of being thin and switched my attention to building an online business.

Lately I’ve realised that it’s still the fantasy of being thin, or the fantasy of being rich, or the fantasy of being popular, or any number of fantasies. And it’s completely not the point.

I’m focusing on some point in the future and going “then I’ll be happy” or words to that effect.

Abraham-Hicks teaching is all about the necessity to be happy now. Right now, with whats happening in your life right this minute. Its about finding new ways to look at what is going on and where I’m going and finding ways to think that generate good feelings. Its the good feelings that attract good things into our lives. And, well, feeling good just flat out feels good.

FEELING MY WAY FORWARD

How would it feel to achieve my dream? How would it feel to be in Paris, to be sitting in a cafe sipping, well not coffee because I really don’t like coffee, but sipping something and pecking away at my laptop knowing that I was working. That what I was doing, the hour I’d spent focusing on my business was enough to keep it ticking over and generating more money than my previous salary and that I could effortlessly take the time to explore Europe and still be financially secure.

Let me tell you – it wouldn’t feel bad!

It would feel fantastic. It would feel so exciting and I’d be so proud, so grateful and so, so happy. Sometimes I think of this stuff and I just feel so overwhelmed with emotion I just cry.

And that’s the energy I want to bring into my life now. Abraham repeats over and over the same message about manifestation, change, everything really. Feel good. Go through your day feeling good. See the things that make you happy. Disregard the things that do not. And focus on what you want. It’s the same message over and over again.

So that’s my challenge. Feeling good. Feeling good about where I am right now. Feeling excited about the future, which is not hard, but also grateful for where I am now, which is a bit more difficult.

TWO CHALLENGES

They are my two challenges. 1) Get really specific about what I want in my life and 2) Feel good about whats in my life right now.

Huh.

How do I do that exactly?

I made money from my blog!!! Actual cash money that is right now sitting in my bank account. That happened last week and I’m still riding on a high. Officially this is the first money that I have made. I have had some bits and pieces before in Amazon vouchers but no actual money, so this is very exciting. I did three sponsored posts and earned $486 AUD. I’m very grateful.

What else has been happening? Someone left where I work so there is more work to do now which has been such a blessing. I find I’m happier if I’m busier whilst at my job.

I had a fight with my partner which is fairly par for the course. We made up, as we usually do.

My daughter has flown off to England for a holiday and I’m alternatively so proud of her that I’m almost bursting and then really jealous. I’m working hard to let the jealousy go, focus on how proud and happy I am for her and think about how cool it will be when I get there.

And I have decided to go. In March or April of 2013. My partner and I are going to pack up our bags and fly off to Europe. I plan to go for two or possibly three months depending on how the finances work out. I also plan to build my business to a point that from then onwards I can work for myself from anywhere in the world.

It’s funny, while I was writing that I was thinking I would do whatever it took to make it work, even if it came to doing contract work. I’m unsure if that’s a good thought or not. On the one hand I want to believe that I can build a successful Internet marketing business that will generate enough money to support me in the manner to which I would very much like to become accustomed. On the other, I think aah! A deadline! Freaky. Just noting. It’s not enough to daunt me. I believe. This is what I want and I’m going to get it.

Which does lead me to the point of this post. I’m wanting to transform my life. That is the whole premise of this blog. I have no idea how I’m going to do. And that’s not the point. The point is to know where I want to go and take steps to get there.

But do I really know where I want to go?

One of the questions I always ask myself, and others for that matter, with regard to goals, is “how will you know if you’ve succeeded?”

I’ve been trying to answer that question in terms of working for myself and the answer is unclear. How will my life be different? What will I be doing? What will I add, what will I take away?

So I’ve decided to really look at this, and more importantly get on with it.  The quickest way to get where you want to be is to become the person you will be when you get there, now. Does that make sense?

For instance, if I want to be someone who travels, which I really, really do, then I should get on with the business of travelling now. If I want to be rich, which I really, really do, then I should get on with the business of being rich now.

Good thoughts all of them, but a little harder to put into action. And that’s my challenge.

Lately I’ve been getting the Simplify Your Life card quite a lot. The message of this card is

Your energy has been fragmented, and its time for an adjustment. By drawing this card, you’re asked to take drastic measures to simplify your life. This means clearing your home of unnecessary items, cancelling subscriptions to extraneous publications, saying no to demands on your time, getting organized, and being more efficient with respect to your schedule…

Go to say, fragmented energy sounds just like me. I often feel like I’m snowed under. I look around my home and there’s just stuff everywhere. There’s projects all over the place. A quick glance around the room I’m sitting in and I see four half finished projects. I step outside and my entire yard in half finished.

And then there’s the blogs. They feel like the ultimate half finished project. I have so many ideas and I just never seem to action any of them. Ugh!

Fragmented is right.

My thoughts are the most chaotic of all. I go around and around and around about all sorts of subjects. Definitely the fat issues, clothes and image, success or more particularly failure, jealousy and criticism of me are whats been going through my head of late. I’ve been feeling decidedly sorry for myself.

This is not the place to come from when I’m making changes. Actually it’s not even about success, its about mental health and living life. Feeling bad does not feel good. Duh!

And maybe that’s the message of Simplify Your Life – I need to get my thoughts sorted first and foremost and spread that to my home and work life.

I going to do that by clarifying why I’m doing stuff. I keep at looking at things and thinking “I must do that” and feeling overwhelmed with another item on my to do list.

If I get clear about why I’m doing that it will make a lot more difference.

For instance I look around the room and see a plant that’s looking a little worse for wear. I think, crap I must do something about that. WHY? Why do I have to do something about that. Because I don’t want the plant to die! I want it to be healthy and lush. When it’s well and flourishing it looks beautiful.

So that’s my plan. Why, why, why? every time I think I’ve got to do something. Hopefully I can simplify my life without actually having to do something.

It may make no difference what so ever but I’m gonna give it a shot.

The idea of this is, as always, what you think about is what you bring into your life. For most of us what we’re thinking about is our life as it’s happening. Abrahm-Hicks tells us that if we want a different life then we need to start telling a different story about our life.

For me, one of the things I constantly think and talk about is work. I talk about working full time and how that is so time-consuming and, well, doesn’t leave me with a lot of time to work on those things that mean a lot to me. I feel frustrated at work because the work is very cyclical and often I end up spending time doing nothing when I could be at home doing something good, or exercising or whatever.

I need to change that story to attract something better into my life.

For instance: I’m really grateful for my job because it brings me a good salary and I have a nice lifestyle. I have my house which I just love and that’s as a direct result of my job so I’m really grateful for that. I know that it takes a lot of time but I’m working on my business and eventually I’ll get to the point where my various income streams can take over my day to day salary and I’m so looking forward to that. It will feel wonderful to be free.

Right now though I want to continue with my job because it is providing me with much needed cash and I really appreciate it. And it’s not so bad. It is busy now which I love and the day just zips past. I feel like I’m really helping people as well which is really great. Plus the work is not demanding and it’s good to have work that I don’t get terribly involved in beyond the process of each report; it leaves me with lots more creative energy to use in my business. I am very luck and I appreciate my job a great deal.

It’s a different sort of energy all together. My goal is to work for myself, writing and marketing from anywhere in the world generating substantial ($1,000,000 + per year) income streams so I can travel, enjoy amazing people and places.

I’m really clear about what I want and I’m prepared to take action. And sometimes that action is just changing inside rather than action outside. This is what I’m focussing on right now.

There’s a difference between wishing for a thing and being ready to receive it. No one is ready for a thing until they believe that they can acquire it. The state of mind must be belief and not mere hope or wish. Open mindness is essential to belief. Closed minds will not encourage faith, courage or belief. Remember no more effort is required in order to aim high in life to demand abundance and prosperity than is required to accept misery and poverty.

I’ve been working on this internet marketing thing for quite a while now; three or four years I think and I’ve made around about $100 all up. I just seem to do lots of different things and nothing happens. Actually what happens is I get frustrated with my lack of success and overwhelmed with doubt and feelings of failure. I believed I would be rich by now. That my ideas would just take off and I’d have a successful online business that generated enough money for me to be travelling and seeing the world.

Only it appears that I didn’t (don’t?) really believe that, otherwise it would be happening!

Whenever I think about it, about becoming a successful blogger and marketer it gives me goose bumps. It makes me cry. Me, writing for a living. Helping people by sharing my thoughts and ideas and take on subjects. I love doing it so much. It’s one of the most fulfilling things I’ve ever done and I feel strong and capable and so …me … when I do it, which incidently could be because I’m writing this on a website named after myself. I can do this, I am doing this. It’s taking, well, it’s taking as long as it takes and there are reasons for that.

Chiefly; I’m damn scared. I’m scared of being a person who writes about what she believes in because a lot of what I believe in is really counter culture. Meaning that not that many people believe the same things as me. I’m particularly overwhelmed with the fat acceptance movement because of the volcanic attitudes that surround it. It’s one thing to have a dissenting view and quite another to stand up and express it.

And I’m really exposing my weakness here, particularly in this blog. I feel like the world’s biggest failure. I’ve tried so many different things over the years and feel like I’ve failed a million times. Sure, many of those failures have been diets which I now know is pre-programed for failure, but it’s still failure and it feels really sucky! I’ve also had a paper selling business, a background checking business and a virtual assistant business. Hell, I even joined Amway. I failed every single time. I just couldn’t get it together and never really made any money.

But I think that’s the point; it’s only real failure if I give up. I’m writing this in the belief that I will become a very successful, well known and wealthy businesswomen and writer. That one day people will want to know how I did it and I want this record to be here for others to read, to understand the steps that I took. Of course I could tank spectacularly and, you know what, I believe having a record of that is useful to.

To attract the success I want I need to believe I can. I need to believe that I can handle it. I need to believe I can do it. I need to believe that I will find an audience, that I will develop expertise in marketing and selling and mastery in writing.

Damn, I believe is going to have to become my mantra.

But, how do I do that?

Well, I’ve also been listening to Abraham-Hicks and one of the messages I’ve heard repeatedly is;

A belief is just a thought that you think over and over again.

So, back to the visualising. See myself doing and being what I want. See myself happy and successful. Think the thought over and over again.

Actually this came up again this week. I read a blog post from a woman, a fat woman, talking about lonliness and finding love when you’re fat. I commented on the post about my own experience because her experience resonated so strongly with me. I was single for 15 years. In that 15 years the longest, and only relationship I had beyond a third date was three months. I believed unreservedly that I was fat and ugly and no one could love me. And because I felt that way about myself  I believed any man I met would just use me. I believed that for years and years.

When I first learnt about visualisation and law of attraction I was working part time. I used to go to the beach, every day, and walk for hours and hours (and no I never lost weight) and visualise. It was fabulously relaxing and made me very happy. I had a guided visualisation that I listened to most days. When it came time to visualise my life as I wanted it be I would always aim for wealth, thinness of course, fabulous clothes, travel all the things that I still want in my life, but what kept coming to mind was being wrapped in a strong pair of arms, held tightly and feeling safe and loved. That is the image that came every time when the other images were so nebulous and fleeting and always changing.

Right up until my partner suddenly exploded into my life I had no idea that it was going to happen. I could, would, never have pictured it happening the way it did, but it happened none the less and damn, being with him makes me so happy. Best of all he always, always, wraps his arms around me and holds me tight and I feel safe and loved.

I keep thinking about that. I knew I wanted a partner. I thought about how wonderful it could be. I believed that one day I would have a partner. And I thought about how that would be. And then just let it go. It was a text book visualisation.

I keep pushing at this internet marketing goal but I really think it’s the wrong energy. I just need to learn to believe I can do it.