Sometimes I get so bogged down in what I have to do that I just can’t seem to cope.
It’s such a pervasive feeling.
It’s failure.
I’m a person with big dreams. I always have had big dreams.
Sadly I’ve never really been able to turn those dreams into reality. I keep trying though. And failing. In fact I’ve had so much failure that it’s amazing that I ever try anything.
The big issue for me has always been my weight. I have known that I was overweight and therefore somehow “bad” since I was very small. I remember the over riding feeling I had was how unattractive I was, simply because I was fat, which is ironic because then, I wasn’t fat.
Course I am now, but in a lot of ways I think that was a self fulfilling prophecy.
I have always wanted to be beautiful, to feel beautiful. I also always wanted to work for myself, to write, to travel and most importantly have fabulous clothes. Whenever I’ve taken steps to achieving those dreams I always started with weight loss.
And I always failed.
My reasoning went something like “if I can’t do this, control my own body, how can I possibly succeed at anything else”.
It’s quite the limiting belief, and a building block of the “fat prophecy”. I’d diet, loose a little weight, move toward my goals, gain back the weight plus a few extra pounds, give up trying and beat myself up constantly for being so fat. I’d get depressed, eat lots, gain more weight and then the whole process would start again.
So what’s different now?
How much I weigh is not going to stop me from achieving what I really want in life. Plenty of fat people write books, have businesses and travel the world. They even fall in love and have wonderful relationships.
It really took falling in love myself for me to really understand being fat is not a reason to be unhappy, even though the whole world seems determined to convince me otherwise.
Now happiness is my goal and I’m happiest when I’m taking steps toward achieving my dreams.
It’s just that sometimes, like now, I feel so overwhelmed I don’t see how I can ever achieve anything. I feel like a failure.
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