How Do I Forgive?

I like to write, obviously. One of the things I enjoy is it gives me an opportunity to examine thoughts. This post is really examining a direction I want to take in terms of body acceptance.

POST #2

How Do I Forgive?

I’m fat.

People find that hard to hear because there’s so many negative connotations around that word. If I’m fat I’m also bad, lazy, dirty, ugly, mentally retarded, nasty, selfish, food orientated, a leech on society and whole bunch of other stuff depending on how much each person hates their body.

But really all it means is that I have fatty deposits on my body.

I dislike the way people judge fat people, me included. I really dislike the discrimination and bigotry that goes hand in hand with those judgements. I’ve spent some considerable time reading in the “fatosphere” lately and it’s heartbreaking to hear how some people are treated. It’s made me so much more aware of how I’m treated myself. I’ve been looking for a new job lately, unsuccessfully, and I can’t help but think that the size of my body is working against me.

And that’s the crux of the issue for me. I believe that our thoughts very much dictate the experiences that we live. Simply put, focus on good things, and good things happen. Equally focus on negative things and negative things happen. It’s not even that simple really; in the end it comes down to the interpretation we put on the things that do happen.

I’m aware that I’m fat. I’m also aware that many, many people have issue with that. Surely if I’m focusing on these twin issues then all I’m doing is inviting the awareness of them into my life? And that is really counter to what I would like for myself.

When I think of body acceptance I think of being free from this obsession with food and exercise and the size of my waistline. I’d love to eat what I want to eat when I want to eat it. There are so many activities that I love to do, like swimming, that I hesitate to do, and I really want to get over that. I want to live without this constant fear.

I used to fear that I was killing myself, because that’s what the world seems intent on telling me. I’ve done some research about that lately and, well, it’s not true at all. In fact it’s an incredibly harmful piece of urban legend that fuels so much hatred.

Now I fear that hatred and what it’s doing to the world.

But giving attention to it is not going to help. So… that’s where I’m at. I want to explore ways to accept my body, to feel love and happiness within myself, and to let go of the incredible rage I feel toward other people who judge me based solely on the size of my ass.

Lisa