I like to help people. It makes me happy to be able to do something that in some way aids another person. You’d think that I would be help, help, help all the time then and sometimes I am but mostly, not so much. And there’s a very specific reason for that. Helping in some respects is not really that helpful in the long term.
That’s sounds dumb when I say it like that but hear me out.
My son, my young adult son, whom I love dearly, is a lazy little coot. He’s all about himself and whilst he will make an effort to take care of himself helping others is not in his nature. At least not in the family environment. His friends, mild acquaintances and perfect strangers he’ll help without blinking an eye.
It may sound strange or even temperamental and frankly it is, but it’s something we’re all guilty of. We don’t like to help those who take advantage of us and since the people we’re most likely to help are those closest too us, it corresponds that they’re the most likely to take us for granted. The end result is resentment and anger and a feeling that you wouldn’t cross the road to put that person out even if they were on fire, though, of course, you love them dearly.
I think that’s a pretty normal part of living with and being around others. It happens all over the world in homes, workplaces and any where else we spend a lot of time with the same groups of people. It’s the ebb and flow of helping people.
I don’t like to help my son, and not just because of that natural resentment that comes from having taken care of him for all these years only to have him expect me to keep on doing indefinitely. No, seriously, ignore my bitterness, that’s not the reason.
My son is having some difficulty finding work and moving forward with his life after school. He finds it very difficult to take responsibility for himself, both in basic management and particularly in terms of interaction with others. He’s always had a problem with his temper and for one reason and another he’s ended up fairly distrustful of people. He fails to see how his own behaviour reflects in the way others treat him.
Whatever the reasons for the problems I want to help him; both because I’m his mother and I adore him and because I naturally like to help people.
The problem here though is that my helping him generally comes in the form of criticising what he is doing and giving him ideas of how to move in a different direction. He, quite naturally really, doesn’t find that helpful at all. He finds it undermining and just plain depressing and responds with the tried and true “don’t tell me what to do.”
What he considers would be helpful is for me to do it for him. Find him a job. Find him opportunities. Just do it for him. My problem with that is that, well, been there done that and he squanders the opportunities. Not surprising really because he’s done nothing to earn the situation so it has little value for him and that shows.
It’s a very frustrating for both of us. He’s tried and failed so many times to find work that now he feels unhirable and it’s easier to sit in his room and watch DVD’s than it is to try and fail again. I’ve tried and pushed and found that it doesn’t achieve anything but make his angrier and more unsure
I’ve reached the point where I believe the best thing I can do for him is to set some boundaries and then just let him be. I’m at a loss how to help him without making things worse, and frankly, do I really want to? I want for him to find his own way because I believe that will give him the strength and sense of achievement hes going to need to be able move through life’s challenges.
Change is a good thing but it’s much better to make changes yourself than have them thrust upon you.
It’s very hard for me to stand back and go, the best thing I can do here is nothing. I really want to help but I do believe that really, maybe nothing is the best help that I can give. At the end of the day isn’t empowerment the best thing I can offer?
I surely hope so. Let me know what you think.
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