Lets Get Moving

I’m going through some changes in my life and I love that. I get bored with life, especially when I’m working full-time and that leads to depression and anxiety.

Funny, I’ve spent most of my life depressed and unhappy at one stage or another and it’s only recently I’ve been clinically diagnosed as depressed. That happened a couple of years ago. I started having issues with my heart. It would just start racing. I would thump away in my chest and I’d feel dizzy and really fuzzy. And then it would pass. It happened in the most unusual times and I had no control other than to just go with it. The whole thing was making me very uncomfortable. I thought I had a heart murmur or something. Turns out I was having panic attacks.

I did a course in behavioural modification and it just seemed to go away. Occassionally now my heart will thump, but since I know it’s not a change in my heart as much as it is a change in my perception it doesn’t bother me any more.

It’s weird considering I was pretty happy at that point in my life. There were some things that were stressing me out, quite a lot actually, obviously, but for the most part I was happy with where I’m going.

Other times in my life I’ve been desperately unhappy. For very long periods of time. That is much more unpleasant than the funky physical symptoms because it’s like a spreading disease. It just ate up my awareness. I would wake up and feel bad. I would go through my day and feel bad. Sometimes good things were happening but underneath it all was this pervasive sense of life being horrible.

And of course it wasn’t. Actually I look back on that time and there were some really wonderful people in my life and I had some great times. I loved where I was living and what I was doing and I felt real belonging.

The only problem was how much I hated myself. I just loathed me. The choices I’d made, how fat I was, which ironically is less fat than now, how unsuccessful I was, how poor, how ugly; the list went on and on. Every time something went wrong I would rehearse how awful people would be to me. And, luckily, that is not what I experienced even though I spent so long visualising it, but it did isolate me. I became so frightened of everything around me, of how I expected people to react to me that I just stopped going out.

It all change when I emigrated from New Zealand to Australia. I been stuck for so long and I just needed something to change. Anything at all. Of course I went for nothing to everything and that generated quite a lot of stress believe me.

But, I did it. I made a success of it and now I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I have goals that I’m working towards and clarity on what they are. It feels wonderful.

I just want some change. I want things to start snowballing – you know that experience where things just keep speeding up and speeding up and it’s all you can do to hold on and keep going buts its exciting and scary and so much fun. That’s what I’d like.