I Really Want To Go On A Diet

Day 22: Letting go is hard

I went clothes shopping the other day after a long hiatus. It wasn’t an intentional hiatus, more my partner and I are going on holiday to England (6 weeks an four days from now!!!) so it’s really been a question of not wanting to spend money.

But, turns out, if you’re not rotating your wardrobe all the time, your clothes wear out.

That’s pretty much where I’m at now. I need new clothes because the old ones are falling to pieces. And also, they just don’t fit because I’ve gained quite a bit of weight in the last year.

The weight gain has been catastrophic for me.

I’ve never been a huge dieter. I would just restrict, binge, restrict, binge and on and on and on. I never got into a regular exercise program during those times and I think it was due to lack of energy.

And then I did do a diet (weight watchers) and lost 10 kilograms, and it felt great. I still had body issues, still wanted to be smaller and enough was never ever enough, but overall I felt better. Clothes were easier to find and I was just happier. I felt like I was moving toward my goals finally.

Of course I realise now that I was still well and truly mired in the fantasy of being thin.

From that time all sorts of amazing things flowed into my life. I connected with my amazing partner and forged a relationship which I adore. I bought my first home, something that was the cornerstone of my financial goals. I’ve travelled, domestically and overseas, a lot, and had a fabulous time. And now I’m about to go to England, a long held dream of mine, and I’m back to working for myself.

All those blessings came from that time when I dieted and lost weight and felt wonderful.

I want it again.

I want it because I feel fat and frumpy and I can’t find clothes that work for me.

I want it because it’s easier not to have to think about what I’d really like to eat or if I’m eating this because of an undefined emotion.

I want it because I’m tired of being fearful of being fat.

Which is exactly why I’ve decided to embrace a HAES lifestyle. Because the lure of dieting is just so strong. Particularly if you’ve been successful at it before.

I really want to go on a diet. I really want to embrace the fantasy of being thin, the belief that I can makeover my body and in some way that will instantly help me reach all of my goals and dreams.

I really want to diet.

So instead I’m embracing HAES. I’m learning to love myself the way I am. I’m moving my body in ways that feel good rather than using exercise as a means to punish and drive myself forward. I’m eating foods that taste yummy and I’m actively looking for nutritional content rather than just counting calories and reducing fat.

HAES is billed as the peace movement, and I really hope it’s true, because I could use some peace.