Where Have You Been?

Day 154: A Bit Of An Update (Part 1)

Well it’s been a while since I last posted here. Three months in fact.

The big news is, and you may be able to tell by the picture, I went to England!

Best of all I had a fantastic time. Much better than I thought, which is not hard since before we left I had a major panic attack  and pretty much expected to die a horrible death on the flight over there, or failing that get run over by a bus as soon as we hit London.

Luckily everything was in fact quite perfectly planned and went off without a hitch. When I failed to die a spectacular and painful death I managed to put my stress aside and settle down and have a good time.

And we did have a good time. It was in fact quite sensational. I loved England, I loved Scotland, I loved Hong Kong and I even loved the travelling itself, despite the freak out. I loved it so much I am already planning my next trip.

It was that good.

Moving On

And then we came home, and I was faced with what was really at the heart of my panic attack.

I quit my job to go on this trip.

Not only that, but having quit my job, I don’t want to get another job, I want to work for myself, from home and hopefully make a lot of money doing it.

Hows that working out for me?

You know, its really too early to say.

And that, right there, is such a hard won realisation. It turns out starting a business from scratch is actually kind of difficult and it doesn’t happen overnight, or even over a couple of months. Even though intellectually I knew that, and even prepared for it, it turns out I was right to freak out. It’s a huge challenge in so many different ways.

Every day I take steps forward, sometimes small, sometimes large, but some sort of forward movement. I learn, I change, I grow.

And then I curse myself for not having done it sooner.

My commitment wavers occasionally.

But not often. I know this is making things harder than they need to be financially for my family, but equally I’m convinced this is the best way forward for me, for my long term goals.

And at the heart of it I want it enough to go through this difficult time.

I feel uncomfortable, horribly exposed, like the biggest failure in the world, and somehow strangely Zen about the whole thing.

I want it. It’s that simple.

Do you think I’m crazy? I think I’m crazy. I must be. What do you think?