In the beginning there was the word, or more accurately the phrase, and that phrase was, “my life so totally sucks”. I’m fat, I hate my job, I’m broke, I’m chronically single, I never get to do anything and I’m soooo bored.
I’d like to say that this particular stage only goes on for a little while but sadly for me its been about 20 years, which in the life cycle of a tree is probably not that much, but for an actual person, not so great. I was miserable. All the time. And misery begat misery which begat - well chocolate cookies actually, which I rather enjoyed at the time but then felt guilty about - which begat more misery and so on and so on. Round and round and round it went.
The Aha! Moment
When was the one definitive moment when suddenly everything was better? Well actually there wasn’t one; it was more like an accumulative process. I was (still am) a learning groupie. In the past whenever I felt down, otherwise known as all-the-time, I would read a self-help book looking for that elusive something that would flick the switch and enable me to live my life. I’d implement whatever was suggested and hope for the best. And sometimes I did feel better, though usually not for long. The despair had a way of creeping back into my life, like an abusive spouse I was too weak to kick to the curb for good.
In November 2006 I was given a copy of the DVD The Secret which was not so much an aha! moment as it was a solid smack upside the head. It contained the final ingredient I needed to start pulling things together. There were three key things that I took away from the DVD; 1) thoughts become things 2) my emotions are indicators of my thoughts and 3) I think all the time.
I realized that I was thinking a lot of negative, painful stuff, a lot of the time. I worried about silly things endlessly; in fact recently I’ve come to understand this is one of the scripts I run to stop myself from moving forward. I actively began changing my thoughts, using my emotions as a guide to find the thoughts that made me feel good. It turns out being happy is a skill just like any other and though it took a fair bit of effort to actively think positive thoughts it actually gets simpler the more I do it.
So, What’s The Problem
Um…where’s the change? I feel happier more often, and I’m incredibly grateful for that, but I’m still fat, single, isolated and where is the money? I feel like I’m stuck in an enormous rut that’s proving seriously difficult to climb out of. Every time I try I feel myself tumbling back down. And, honestly, I’m really not that upset about it because it’s nice and comfortable at the bottom of my rut.
It’s so ironic. I spent so much time getting happy for the express purpose of attracting what I really want into my life and now that I feel I’m on the threshold of actually attracting it I’m scared spitless. And it’s killing my happy buzz. What I’m doing, in my fear, is reverting to those old scripts, the ones that make me feel miserable, in an effort to keep myself in that rut.
The biggest script, the one that causes me the most pain and the one that I most want to change is about my weight. I’ve always believed that for me to be really happy I would first need to lose weight. If I could be successful at losing weight, at finally, once and for all, taking control of my stupid, uncontrollable, chocolate craving body, it would be the catalyst for amazing change. I’d feel strong and attractive and confident. I could get over whatever issues were keeping me single and I’d finally have a body that would attract a man. I’d suddenly have the confidence to write and have someone read my work. And I wouldn’t be so consumed with fear all the time. It would be a magic cure-all. I would be happy and connected and loved if only I would get rid of the fat.
Jeez, Get A Life Already!
It’s been 20 years. Longer. I’ve finally got to the point where I’m just saying enough. I cannot keep obsessing about my body and blaming my size for every little thing that has or ever will go wrong in my life. And I won’t allow it to keep me in that rut any more.
I’ve had this conversation with myself many, many times and usually it’s a prelude to a new diet and exercise regime. Not this time though. Lately I’ve been reading a lot about health at every size (HAES) movement and body acceptance and I’ve garnered enough information to know that this is the route I’m opting to take. It’s time for me to come to terms with how I feel about being fat and accept myself just the way I really am. It’s time to let go of the endless rejection. It’s time to get a life.
That’s what I intend to write about in this website. It’s something I feel will make a great deal of difference in my life and I hope, through writing about my experiences, that I can inspire other people to accept themselves as well.
Thanks for reading,
LISA
Filed under: About Me, Body Acceptance on October 3rd, 2008 | No Comments »