Suddenly Self Employed

About a month ago now I quit my day job.

I did it for a number of reasons, most particularly I was staring down the barrel of being made responsible for everything that happens in a business that wasn’t mine and being completely unappreciated whilst I did it. I’d been unhappy for quite a long time and though I felt responsible for the chaos leaving would engender I was done. Just done. I was in a position where I could walk away so I did.

And now I find myself suddenly self-employed.

I’ve dreamed of being self-employed for years. Literally. I have journals going back about 25 years and in almost all of them I espouse how wonderful it will be when I’m self-employed. Its everything I want out of my life. A chance to control how much money I make, a chance to uncouple hours worked from money received, a chance to use my time and learning to create a real asset that will have long term financial impact on my net worth. A chance to be creative.

How’s it working out?

I’m focussing on where I am right now and its scary. I feel very vulnerable. Intellectually I know that I’ve got to start somewhere and I know that financially I, we actually, because this affects my family as much as me, need to take risks in order to get where we want to be, but gosh I feel guilty. I’ve taken a pay cut to follow this dream and put us in a vulnerable situation where before there was security. I’ve put lots of pressure on myself and my partner to create something right now, because otherwise … well I don’t even want to go there.

This is a roller coaster though: one moment I’m so scared that things are going pear shaped, the next I’m so happy and joyful. I haven’t slept properly for about a month now, and yet I’ve had more exercise than the last three months combined. I’m doing the things that I want, love to do, but feeling scared and uncertain at the same time.

I’m slowly working towards projects that just seem so huge and unattainable that at the same time I’m searching for contingency plans. My mind is in such turmoil. I want to believe I can do this. I do believe I can do this. I’m just not sure I can do it right now.

And that’s pretty much the crux of it. Now is the time that I, we’ve, elected to do this. It’s not the best, but seriously when would be the best. Ideally I would have liked to be more prepared. I’m not. I’m where I am right now. I need to aim for where I want to be and go for it.

I guess what I really wanted to express was how much of a roller coaster this feels right now. I don’t really know of any other way of making a change without going through that up and down feeling, but damn, its really wearing on me.